


Cards Against Sentiency

by PierceTheVeils



Series: Fun and Games [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Animal Cruelty Ads, Cards Against Humanity, Celine Dion's music, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Gen, Humor, Party Games, Post-Book: Star Wars: Thrawn Series: Treason, Post-Star Wars: Rebels, Untitled Goose Game References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PierceTheVeils/pseuds/PierceTheVeils
Summary: Life aboard the Chimaera has been stressful ever since the ship got whisked away into the Unknown Regions by purrgil. To cope, a few officers slip into the cantina to play the in-universe equivalent of Cards Against Humanity. Their game gains some unexpected players as it progresses.
Series: Fun and Games [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728667
Comments: 12
Kudos: 57





	Cards Against Sentiency

“Everyone played?” Hammerly turned her gaze out to the seated group. She received five nods in return. “Good. Now you tell me: what single action would ruin Darth Vader’s intimidation factor?”

She reached for the small stack of white cards with some hesitation. Having once served alongside Lord Vader in a high stakes mission, she wasn’t sure  _ anything  _ could make him seem less intimidating. She threw back another shot before reading her shipmates’ responses. “‘The penny whistle solo from “My Heart Will Go On”’... I’m confused. Is Lord Vader playing the penny whistle, or is it like a theme song that plays wherever he goes?”

“Near, far. Wherever you are,” Pyrondi sang off key, then snorted. “I don’t know.”

“That is up to you, Commodore,” Woldar asserted, consciously avoiding a slur in his words. He had (so far) drunk the most out of all of them. Not that anyone could blame him. These were stressful times the  _ Chimaera  _ crew found themselves in. “Which is better?”

“...I don’t know how Lord Vader would play a wind instrument through his helmet, so I would have to guess someone is playing it for him.” Hammerly was entirely too logical while playing this game. This had been established an hour ago. “But wouldn’t that only temporarily relieve his intimidation factor? If the solo played everywhere Lord Vader went and he kept up his, um, usual behavior, we’d all just associate ‘My Heart Will Go On’ with Lord Vader. He would be no less frightening at the end of it.”

“No, but imagine it’s your first time hearing that song in conjunction with Lord Vader,” Pyrondi argued. So was it her card or Woldar’s? Both were advocating for it. “Wouldn’t you laugh?”

“I don’t know.” Hammerly turned over the next card. “‘Gettin’ turnt at the nightclub’. I would just leave the club if I saw that.”

“Oh come on!” Vanto protested from the opposite end of the table. “Imagine if Lord Vader dancing to club music made it onto the holonews. He’d never live it down!”

“You have never met Lord Vader in person. You don’t get to comment.” Woldar shuddered at the collective memory. “Lord Vader would kill anyone who recorded or saw that footage until it was erased from memory.”

Vanto leaned back, frowning. “Tough card.” 

“Says you. You’re doing fine.” Major Carvia gestured sloppily at Vanto’s six black cards, all trophies from previous rounds of their game. Carvia, on the other hand, had yet to win a single round.

“Yeah, shut up Vanto. We don’t want you to win just yet.” 

“Okay, but who would you rather have beat you? Me... or Commander Bridger?”

The group of five turned simultaneously towards the foot of the table. There sat Ezra Bridger, the rebel teenager who dared call himself a Jedi commander. Hammerly didn’t care if the rebel fleet organized themselves differently. She’d served in the Republic during the Clone Wars. She’d seen real Jedi commanders in action. This boy was but a pale imitation of one. A pale imitation who had the gall to waltz in on their game of  _ Cards Against Sentiency _ mid-session and rebuff all their attempts to make him leave. The fact he’d managed to rack up five black cards in spite of the opposition only made the Imperials seethe more intensely in his general direction.

“Why? Am I making you sweat?” Bridger teased, delighted by the attention. “You heard Thrawn. I’m a part of this ship now.”

“Until further notice,” Hammerly tacked on at the end. “He decided he had no interest in serving your interests by allowing your purrgil stunt to be the end of your life. That’s only giving you what you want. If you die out here, you die starving and gasping for air like the rest of us.” Of course, that declaration was made before Thrawn had successfully contacted his fellow Chiss aboard the  _ Steadfast _ . Now the stranded Imperials were being aided by the Ascendancy in getting their ship operational again… with a few pre-conditions that Hammerly had set up this game night specifically to get  _ away _ from. One more shot, please.

Bridger frowned at the reminder. “Just keep going with the cards.”

“Fine. The next one is ‘Men discussing their emotions in a healthy manner’. I… guess Lord Vader is one of those men?”

“That’s what it sounds like,” Carvia agreed. “I’d be less intimidated by Vader if he found healthy outlets for his anger.”

“But that’s not a ‘single action’. That’s a progressive change,” Vanto argued. “It doesn’t fit the parameters of the card, right Hammerly?”

Not responding with words, Hammerly cast the card aside. What were the last two? “‘Crying during sex’... love to know how I would aware of that, exactly. And lastly… ‘Guest starring in a Sarah McLachlan commercial’.” Okay, Hammerly laughed at the last one. 

As did Pyrondi. “Does he sing the angel song, too?”

“I hope not.”

Vanto wrinkled his brow. “What is a Sarah McLachlan commercial?”

“They’re ads that discourage animal cruelty and ask you to donate to a pet shelter. They’re all over my home planet.” Woldar explained, then chuckled. “I can’t be angry. That’s a good one.”

Yeah, no contest. Hammerly cast the other four cards aside in favor of her last draw. “While this was a tough card and a strong round, I declare a Sarah McLachlan guest feature to be the single act that would ruin Lord Vader’s reputation forevermore.”

“Yes!” Bridger threw his fist into the air, using the Force to take his black card before anyone could object. “I knew that was a good play.”

“Dammit, that was his? Again?!” Pyrondi slapped the table. She’d chosen Bridger’s card in the previous round as well. 

“How do you know what a Sarah McLachlan commercial is? They don’t play on Lothal!”

“I’ve played this game before. A pilot in the Phoenix Squadron owns this deck too. And some of the same extension packs.” Bridger snatched his card out of the air, a shiteating grin on his face. “I’m gonna win this game, you know.”

“I thought we all agreed we’d stop choosing Bridger’s cards!”

“How was I supposed to know that one was his?” Hammerly argued. “Those commercials play in the Core, as far as I know. The organization they’re for doesn’t extend beyond that. I didn’t think Bridger would know about them.”

“That’s not fair! You can’t just not pick a card because you think it’s mine. Don’t be sore losers. Just because I’m about to beat all of you for the second time this mon-” Bridger cut himself off, taking stock of the stares he was getting from everyone except Vanto. In that moment, the Imperials didn’t care what Thrawn had decreed. They had murder in their stares. 

He laughed, suddenly uncomfortable. “Okay, still too soon. Sorry.”

Vanto broke the silence that followed. “I don’t want people to discriminate based on the player. I want to win this game on my own humor and strategic abilities.” He held out a hand to Bridger. Easy for him to do, seeing as the two had never fought each other. “You’re on, Bridger. Any round could be our last.” 

Bridger shook on it, his smile coming back. “You bet.”

“Or one of us could get a card for once.” Carvia grumbled, throwing back the last of his beer. 

“Commodore Hammerly has three, and I two.” Woldar pointed out. “Lieutenant Pyrondi has… oh two as well. When did you get a second one?”

“You know what I mean.” Carvia leaned back in his chair, confused as to why he was still the center of attention. “Oh, wait. It’s my turn to be Card Czar.” He sighed, reaching for the top of the black pile. He took a white card while he was at it, as did everyone else who’d played earlier. 

Before he could read what the card said, the door to the ship’s cantina slid open. Several of the lower ranking patrons by the front went silent as the new occupant strode through the room. Hammerly was about to throw back another shot until she realized who the new person was. He was approaching their table. She put the shot glass back on the table. Everyone except Bridger stood to salute. “Grand Admiral, sir.”

“Commodore, Commander, Major, Senior Lieutenant, and Lieutenant,” Thrawn acknowledged them one by one. “You may sit once more, if you wish. I merely desired to know where some of my most important officers were located while the repairs are taking shape.”

Hammerly waited to see if anyone else would take Thrawn’s offer. Once Vanto sat down first, she felt comfortable doing so as well. As the highest ranking Imperial officer of the group, the other three followed her lead in the matter. “We are here, sir. We invited Lieutenant Vanto to a game of  _ Cards Against Sentiency  _ with us.”

“I see.” Thrawn’s eyes landed on Bridger. “Did you invite Commander Bridger as well?”

“I invited myself,” Bridger spoke with no regard for the hierarchy present in the conversation. “But your officers  _ are _ enjoying my presence.” He held up his black cards as evidence, a gesture Thrawn did not comprehend.

Thrawn’s confusion was nigh imperceptible, but Hammerly had served with him long enough to notice it. She might not be as good as the last commodore in responding to his needs, but she still did better than most. “My fellow officers and I are too drunk to reliably chase this re- Commander Bridger away from our table. I also wouldn’t trust our abilities with a blaster at this time. Because our inebriated state has ruined our judgement, Commander Bridger is currently tied for the lead in our game. He is only one point away from winning.”

“Have you ever played  _ Cards Against Sentiency,  _ Thrawn?” Bridger asked, causing (once again) everyone except Vanto to flinch. No matter how many times he did it, the rebel’s stubborn refusal to call anyone on this ship by their rank was one more point in his disfavor. The fact that Bridger usually didn’t use rank for rebel soldiers either did not make anyone feel less insulted. 

“I have not. I am unfamiliar with most all party games from your side of the galaxy.” That made a sad amount of sense to Hammerly. After all, who would ever invite Thrawn to play party games?

Lieutenant Vanto, apparently. “You should try it out, sir. Play with us a bit.”

The suggestion amused Thrawn. “I do not think so, Lieutenant Vanto. I see now that the group of you only wish to relax. Far be it from me to spoil your leisure time.”

“You wouldn’t be spoiling it, sir. I think you’d be surprised how good at this game you could be. Right, everyone?”

Long pauses. Woldar was the first to speak up. “I mean… we already let the rebel Bridger in on the game. I don’t think adding the grand admiral is worse than that.” He hid his mouth behind his cup when he finished. He was on track to get wasted by the time this night was over.

“I would have invited Vah’nya if she were able to read Basic. I  _ did  _ invite Ronan, but he has bad memories associated with this game and I didn’t feel like pushing it.” Vanto plowed ahead. “Please, sir? If you don’t have any more pressing matters to deal with, I think you would enjoy this.”

“I want Thrawn to play,” Bridger added. No one but Thrawn indicated they even heard him.

Thrawn still shook his head. “I think not. I appear to be the only one here unfamiliar with the rules, and your game has already progressed quite far. I do not expect you to accomodate a last-minute addition such as myself.”

While they were all discussing, Major Carvia had taken the time to read what was written on his black card. “That’s a shame. The prompt card has your name on it, sir.”

That got everyone’s attention. “The grand admiral is in this deck?”

“Yeah, as a black card. The card reads: what does Grand Admiral Thrawn not expect to find on the bridge of his flagship?” Carvia threw the card down on the table for everyone to read.

Bridger laughed. “He’s on some white cards, too. I don’t have any of them in my hand though.”

“Did you know that, Lieutenant Pyrondi? This is your deck.”

Pyrondi shook her head. “No, I only bought the Empire expansion pack recently. I was going to take it all home with me on my next shore leave until, well…” she gestured around the room. Everyone immediately understood what she meant. 

Vanto hadn’t given up on his plans to insert Thrawn into the game just yet. “Sir, even if you don’t want to play, will you at least judge this round since the card is about you? Is that okay, Major Carvia?”

Carvia took a moment to consider. “If the grand admiral judges, do I get to play in this round?”

“I would think so.”

“Then yes, I would like that.” Anything to get his score above zero.

Vanto was practically begging at this point. “Please, sir? Who could more definitively say what you don’t expect on your bridge than you?”

Thrawn took in the facial expression of every player at the table before responding. “Is this an acceptable arrangement to everyone involved?”

Vanto, Carvia, and Bridger nodded. Woldar, Hammerly, and Pyrondi shrugged. Suddenly feeling bad for her exclusionary efforts, Hammerly elaborated on her stance. “I am fine with it, sir.”

“Then I will judge this round, whatever that entails.”

“It’s easy. All you do is wait for everyone to play one of their white cards,” Vanto held up his own hand to demonstrate, “read them out loud once you receive all six and choose which one you think best answers the question on the black card. Standards for judging vary by individual, so how you pick the best answer is up to you.”

“Want a drink, Grand Admiral?” Woldar offered Thrawn his spare bottle, the one he hadn’t opened yet.

“I do not think that would be appropriate, Commander.”

But playing  _ Cards Against Sentiency  _ with them was? Hammerly may have spent years in the service of Grand Admiral Thrawn, but that didn’t mean she understood him or his way of thinking. She knew enough to fulfill his orders in a satisfactory manner and that was about it. Which is why this round was so difficult for her.

Checking to make sure Thrawn wasn’t looking, Hammerly drank the shot she’d set aside earlier. She consulted her hand with mild trepidation. What could she play that would suit Thrawn’s tastes? She wasn’t bold enough to play any of her sexually explicit cards. She didn’t know how he would react. But it still had to be something unusual, or it wouldn’t fit the prompt. Realizing only then that she was the last person to play, Hammerly settled on “Geese with knives” and added it to the pile. She forced herself to keep an erect posture as Thrawn collected the six cards.

Before he could read any of them, Vanto jumped in one more time. “Don’t forget to shuffle the cards before reading, sir. That way you don’t know who played what until after you choose a winner.”

“Ah, I see. Understood, Lieutenant.” Thrawn shifted the cards about his hand, a pointedly neutral expression on his face. “I will evaluate your answers: what do I not expect to encounter on the  _ Chimaera’s  _ bridge?”

All waited with bated breath as Thrawn flipped over the first card. His lips twitched. He didn’t remember to read the card out loud right away, but when he did: “this card is accurate. I would not expect to see ‘Coruscant Fashion Week’ conducted anywhere but the planet of Coruscant.”

“Interesting starting place for the round,” Woldar noted, then apologized. “Forgive me, sir. Please continue.”

“Thank you, Commander. The next card reads ‘Stormtroopers who can aim’... hm. While it is true I do not routinely see stormtroopers on the bridge, good marksmanship is a standard expectation to have of them. I don’t find the scenario described here to be far out of the ordinary.” And this group had thought Hammerly was too analytical in her Czarships. 

“Following that entry, the next card is ‘Geese with knives’. The knife addition is somewhat unexpected, but I confess I have become wary of flying beasts in connection with the  _ Chimaera _ as of late.” Was… was that a joke? Aside from Bridger, no one had cracked jokes about the  _ Chimaera _ ’s current plight ever since they got themselves into this mess. Hammerly certainly wasn’t prepared to hear one from Thrawn. “This scenario would have been a greater surprise to me last month.

“On the subject of surprises, the next card reads: ‘a surprise birthday party’... am I to assume I am the beneficiary of such festivities?”

Vanto shrugged, doing his best to seem unaffected. “I’d guess so, sir. That would make the most sense in the prompt’s context.”

“True,” Pyrondi pondered. “You aren’t expecting it, which is the point of a  _ surprise _ party.”

Thrawn nodded. “I see your point, Lieutenants. The next card reads…” his nose wrinkled, “‘A full-on orgy.’ I realize morale is low as of late, but I trust my officers to realize that repopulation initiatives are counterproductive at this juncture. Furthermore, the bridge has important uses that do not include service as a breeding ground. Beyond those two concerns, I reserve judgement regarding anyone’s sexual behaviors… which goes along nicely with the last card here, reading ‘72 virgins’. I repeat: I desire no familiarity with the sexual behavior or history of anyone currently aboard this ship. For all that I am aware, a gathering of that quantity of virgins occurs every day on the bridge.”

Bridger was the only one who dared laugh at Thrawn’s assessment. It came to Hammerly’s ears as more of a cackle than a laugh, though. “And I’m the insulting one, here.”   


“What do you mean, Commander Bridger?” Thrawn furrowed his brow in the rebel’s direction. “I did not say I knew for certain that such a situation is the case. I only acknowledged that this is a scenario in which I lack the relevant information.”

Oh stars. Please no one explain to Thrawn the connotations of the final card. Whoever put that one down had clearly not been thinking when they did. “Well, Grand Admiral sir? Which card would you be most surprised by if it were a reality on this ship?”

Thrawn laid out all six white cards in front of him, standing at the edge of the table with a hand to his chin. He put a lot of thought into the matter and seemed oblivious to the growing number of observers from other spots in the cantina. Hammerly wondered how many of the junior officers, troopers, and enlisted personnel had been listening to their game unfold. For all it’s fun,  _ Cards Against Sentiency  _ wasn’t a game you could play while keeping up formal appearances. She hoped everyone aboard understood their rowdy fun to be a blip on the radar, a way of blowing off steam during a time of great uncertainty. She hoped they applied the same logic to Grand Admiral Thrawn’s participation as well.

Either way, the cantina was silent when Thrawn finally cleared his throat. “I choose… the birthday party.”

“What?!” Bridger leapt up out of his chair. “How is a birthday party more unexpected than an orgy?”

“Anyone can participate in an orgy should they have the interest, young Bridger. The matter of importance in my consideration is the fact that _ I _ am the recipient of the surprise birthday party.”

“Why does that matter?”

“No one in the Empire is aware of the day I was born. In all my years of service, I have never told a single person of the true date of my birth. The forms I was required to fill out as a soldier list the day I joined the Empire as my birthday, which I can tell you right now is not correct. Furthermore, Chiss society does not celebrate birthdays the way many human cultures do. Perhaps some aboard the  _ Steadfast _ could tell you my birth year, but not the specific day. Given all this information, you tell me: how would the crew of this ship know on which day to celebrate my entry into existence?”

Hammerly shook her head. “We would have no idea."

“Exactly, Commodore. Which is why I would be most disturbed if anyone on board were able to acquire such information. Therefore, this card is my choice for the winner of the round.” He smirked, picking up the black card. “I suspect I know to whom this card is awarded, but will you please claim it for yourself?”

Vanto grinned from ear to ear as he accepted the card from Thrawn. “Thank you, sir. It’s times like this I’m glad I have such a memory for seemingly useless facts I learned five years ago.” He turned to Bridger. “I win.”

Bridger still couldn’t believe it. He flicked his remaining cards out of his hand and onto the table. “This is six weeks ago with Chopper all over again! How is it I always come so close and never win one of these games?!”

Thrawn stepped back to allow Bridger to storm off, then nodded to his former aide. “A clever bit of strategy, Lieutenant Vanto. I was not sure what to make of your proposal that I join the game at first. I saw that progress was well under way and doubted I would have any opportunity to win. Winning, I correctly assumed, was based on who collected the most prompt cards. As such, the only useful contribution I could make to the game was to judge rounds and reward other players. You were tied with Bridger and wished to break ahead, so you sought to include a judge which you knew well but others would struggle to win over. Your strategic thinking secured your victory.”

Vanto shifted in his seat at the compliment. “I also wanted you to unwind a bit, sir, but thank you. For both the victory and the praise.” He raised his glass to Thrawn, then drank. 

Hammerly needed another shot herself. She poured one from Woldar’s bottle, threw it back, and nearly choked. He… was drinking something stronger than she was. Much stronger.

“Alright, I guess the game is over, then.” Pyrondi stood to put the deck back together. 

Hammerly did her best to take her loss with grace. She comforted herself by saying it was better than Bridger winning. “Thank you for joining us, sir.”

“Most certainly, Commodore. I hope this evening has been enough to allow the group of you to relax. I expect to see you lively and unconcerned about birthday planning while on the bridge next morning. I will be most curious to know what my weapons officer thinks of the weapon repairs when she is sober once more.” Thrawn nodded to Pyrondi, then said his goodbyes. It took the cantina a few minutes to return to normal after that.

Vanto turned back to the group, still rejoicing inside. “Who’s up for another round?”

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been bouncing around in my head for a while. Credit goes to draculard for encouraging me to ultimately write this fic. I love CAH, I love the Chimaera crew. Of course I wrote about the Chimaera crew playing CAH. Some of the cards are real, some of them I created for the SW universe. Talk about a weird follow up to Master of the House, though.
> 
> As you may have noticed, this work is the first of a miniseries. I plan to write about other groups of SW characters playing party games. I will do up to five of such one shots. The next one I have already decided is Secret Hitler (reimagined as Secret Empire) with the cast of the Resistance TV show, but I will be accepting suggestions for the last three. This is a fun sort of fic to write in the current circumstances.
> 
> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed, and don't forget to give me your suggestions for future one shots below!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Seating Arrangements](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377621) by [draculard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/draculard/pseuds/draculard)




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